The Benefits of Dick Candy

15 minutes shy
of my 17th birthday
uncle Ernie hands me
my very 1st beer
something in a
little blue & beige can
a Pabst Blue Ribbon
if I remember correctly.
I take it
stare at it
not certain how to react.

“Well go ahead, drink it,” he says.

“You sure it’s okay? I don’t think
my mom would approve.”

“Ah, to hell with what she thinks. You’re
practically a man now.”

Eager to impress
I lean back
take a long pull from the beer
& find myself
wrestling the urge to hurl.

Uncle Ernie grins
polishes off his own beer
cracks open a fresh one
& says: “Son, there’s something
you need to know about women.”

“What’s that?”

“Well you see,
most women fall into
either one of two categories:
eye candy or dick candy.
You following me so far?”

I nod, force down another gulp of beer.

“Good. Now when you spot
a piece of eye candy out on the street
you probably feel overcome with
the urge to bugger the britches clean off her.
But before you go chasin’
after some prim little piece of ass
you gotta remember one thing:
just ‘cause a girl’s pleasant to the eye
don’t necessarily mean
she’s pleasant to fuck.
Chances are
she ain’t never had
to work very hard for it.
Know what I mean?”

“Yeah, sure.” I shrug, take another sip of Pabst.

“Now dick candy
on the other hand
is more of an acquired taste.
By that I mean
she ain’t been blessed with
all the physical attributes
that eye candy has.
So she makes up for
her lack in looks
by mastering techniques
of a sexual persuasion
Take your aunt Mable, for example.
All it took was one pit stop
under that skirt of hers
& I was hooked for life. ”

I glance over at aunt Mable
all 5’ 4”, 240 lbs of her is sprawled
across the couch as she washes down a Twinkie
with a pint of chocolate milk.
A terrifying image
of her naked
writhing & bucking
beneath uncle Ernie
races through my head
& I am suddenly struck with
the nauseating sensation
of Pabst Blue Ribbon
scorching its way back up my throat.